Primary school children call for sex education for MPs

A report by an influential committee of schoolchildren has urged the Government do more to ensure the nation’s MPs get the sex and relationships education they need to form healthy relationships with others.

‘Too often MPs embark on a career in politics without the emotional or sexual maturity needed not to get arrested in embarrassing circumstances,’ said seven-year-old Isobel of St. Mary’s Primary, Braintree. ‘It’s important that their education prepares them not just for the moral demands of representing their constituents, but also for understanding which body parts can come into contact with other people’s body parts, under what circumstances, and just how much damage that’ll do to your career.’                                                     
Children have proposed that sex education classes for MPs cover introductions to the techniques and etiquette of groping, the subtle nuances of meaning contained in the word ‘no’, and advanced courses in not getting caught and damage limitation. MPs will also receive tuition on which sexual services can be claimed for on expenses, while older members will sit additional modules in overcoming failure.                                     
‘MPs need to be in a position to make informed choices and stay safe,’ added eight-year-old Adil of Edge Hill Primary. ‘In this day and age you can’t just blunder into a members’ bar and touch-up the nearest young aide without a proper understanding of the risks. There’s always peer pressure to take a picture of your genitals and text it to strangers, but MPs need to develop the self-respect not do anything they’re not comfortable with.’
The schoolchildren acknowledge, though, that not all MPs are ready to receive sex education. ‘They all develop at different rates, so it’s important constituencies have the right to withdraw their MP from lessons. The next opportunity will be in May.’